"Utter Rubbish"

Warning : Some of the articles in this section are slightly blue in nature, include bad language, are sexist and are generally insulting to a whole cross section of people.

You have been warned!!

Disclaimer: If you take this section seriously you are an idiot, and any damages caused by taking these articles seriously are deemed to be too bad.

Memo from Bin Laden

To: All Al Qaeda Fighters
From: Bin Laden, Osama
Subject: The Cave

Hi Guys
We have been putting in long hours recently but we’ve really come together as a 
group and I love that. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can’t forget to 
take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns:

First of all, while it is good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be 
even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive 
dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) – so we need to sweep the cave daily. 
I have done my bit on the cleaning roster…have you?? 
I have posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area. Next to the halaal toaster.

Second: It is not often I make a video address but when I do, I’m trying to scare the 
living shit out of most of the world’s population, okay? That means that while we’re 
taping; please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 
“Wassup” thing. Thanks.

Third: Food. I bought a box of biscuits recently. Clearly wrote “Ossy” on the front, 
and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my biscuits were gone. 
Consideration. That’s all I’m saying.

Fourth: I’m not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves 
from the Infidel’s bat and ball games. Please do not chant” Ossy, Ossy Ossy, Oy Oy Oy 
when I ride past on my donkey. Thanks.

Five: Graffiti. To whoever wrote “OSAMA SHAGS DONKEYS” on the group toilet wall, 
it’s a lie. The donkey backed into me whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the 
mountain.

Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the chicken 
backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of a mountain’ will not 
be accepted in the future. (With donkeys, there is a grey area)

Finally: We’ve heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate 
our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, 
Abdul, Akbar and Dave.

Love you lots, Group hug.
Os

Aussie Humour

From down under.

All You Needed To Know About Life
Author Unknown

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? 
- Only if he has to much to much saki before hand. 

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 
- Dutchmen were called 'Holes' before the Pope in the Vatican kicked up a fuss when they were referred to as 'Holey-men'. 

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 
- I know I did. 

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 
- The word 'broker' has Spanish origins, alboroque, meaning 'ceremonial gift at conclusion of business deal'. e.g., while they are making you money, they get a 'little gift' along the way. 

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? 

What is the difference between a slim chance and a fat chance? 
- From Old England when milk demand was high, so getting your milk was a problem. The chance of getting slim milk and the chance of getting normal [fat] milk was known as slim chance and fat chance. 

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? 
- Wise men were from biblical times and preferred to freely give away gifts to any new-born they saw at Christmas time, whereas Wise guys were from America and preferred to sit on their ass all day and watch repeats of 'The 3 Stooges' and so called named by the famous line 'Wise guys ,eh ?'. The Differences are quite obvious. 

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? 
- The two words overlook and oversee did have the same meaning [supervise] until the 1870's when many construction site supervisors were turning blind eyes to malpractice on the site which risked their job. These fore-men were then known as 'over-lookers' while the remaining men were known as the 'over-seers' where from today's meanings evolved. 

If horrific means horrible, does terrific mean terrible? 
- Erm, yes it does. Both words terrific and terrible come from the same Latin word, terrere, which means frighten. 

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety-one? 
- Onety-one became redundant when the wristwatch became widely popular. The word 'eleven' was introduced to help the confusion when asked the time by another person, 11 o'clock or 'onety-one' was always misunderstood as 'one to one'. 

Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as 4s? 
- Quite by coincidence, the IVs [intravenous drip] used then were very similar this modern day and the length of delivery tube to the vein was four feet. 

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed? 
- And I dare say porn stars are denuded, wine makers are deported, portrait artists are defaced and hens are delayed. 

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. 
- And why does sour cream have a use-by date ? 

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? 
- "Humans!" 

If you mixed vodka & orange juice with milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's Screw Driver? 
- I dunno, but if you had too many, you'd vomit half back up and the other half out the rear end!!! 

If a pig loses his voice, is it disgruntled? 
- If a pig has lost its voice, it would have therefore been slaughtered. I think being disgruntled would be the last thing on its mind. 

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? 
- Although the average marriage length has fallen over the last century, it is still a lot longer than just saying 'I am". 

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 
- Because men may be blind when it comes to love, but they know what's underneath it. 

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing nightgowns? 
- A nightgown is a loose undergarment which women wear to bed. I should hope no female wishes to go out in her nightgown [or maybe I should be hoping] 

Why do they say something is out of whack? What is a whack? 
- Term usually only used by junkies, where, they are in a coma are said to be 'out of whack'. A second term coined by the junkies has a more literal meaning where 'whack', which of course means - hit. 'Out of whack' was also out of drugs. 

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? 
- This was all part of the government's harsh "50% Two Cent Thought Tax" where after you have given your two cents, the recipient must then remit 50% [one cent] to the tax department before the end of the month. 

If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter? 
- Only say, if another cat came up to it in the street, did it's business on its head, covered it with some gravel, and then some-one chased you down to tell you to change it more often because it still stinks. 

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? 
- Erm... blue. 

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon? 
- Although the radio station owners find it cheaper not to, seeing people know its after midday, some stations still can be found and listened to safely. 

What do people in China call their good plates? 
- Roughly, it translates to "a luxury" 

What do you call a male ladybird? 
- Mr. Ladybird. 

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man? 
- Most say 'none', but the modest ones say 'transparent'. 

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? 
- Erm... dogs. 

Why do they sterilise the needle for lethal injections? 
- So the dead person's lawyer cannot sue for negligence. 

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 
- Erm... it does. 

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? 
- The liberationists and greenies would be up in arms over the culling of poor, defenceless tourists. 

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations? 
- I would imagine that I wouldn't have to see a psychiatrist. 

How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work? 
- Special underground cave networks that only classified people are allowed to know about. 

If the 7 11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door? 
- For when it closes every 4 years on Feb. 29, the 366 day in a leap year. 

If a fire-fighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight? 
- Erm... freedom. 

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil? 
- Of course, they only very gently squeeze them. 

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 
- The sheep themselves do not shrink, but the wool fibres on them shrink up to 10%. 

What do chickens think we taste like? 
- Firstly, they wonder how to get us in the oven. 

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? 
- Swatters were not invented until post-biblical times. 

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? 
- Back in the days of alcohol prohibition, some retailers found a loop-hole in the law. The found it was not illegal to sell liquor if it was to only be drunk in the vehicle whilst stationery, where they needed proof that the buyer did own a car by having them show their licence. The tradition remains today. 

Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes? 
- We all know dead bodies in orange floaties are easier to see than dead bodies under parachutes. 

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited? 
- They used to sell guns, but they were considered dangerous. Go figure. 

Why is a bra singular and panties plural? 
- Both words have evolved over their years of use. Bra, of course, short for 'brassiere' is actually plural [from Latin 'clothing hard to get off in dark by male']. Whereas, panties is a more feminine word for 'pant' which is singular [from Latin 'male breathing heavy, as she hasn't got them off yet'] 

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? 
- Would you want to fly in a big, black, rectangular box which taped each conversation you had during your flight and could only be opened by special secret-service agents ? 

If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens? 
- The particles of light, or 'photons' they are called, are so abrasive at that as they slow down and you continue your speed, it wears away at your car until of course, you crash and die. 

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM? 
- Erm... in case the blind person is behind in the back seat. 

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo? 
- 'Shipment' by car was coined when people carting goods by car on a ferry was still called by ship, even when it reached land, to tell where it came from. Ship's 'cargo' is from the French when the primary use of boats in France was to ship snails for consumption [or as its called 'escargot']. 

What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane? 
- "What the fuck am I doing out of the plane ???" 

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? 
- 'Apartments' were first built in the 1700's by the Scots, where they were apart from each other in the rural country areas, some up to 3 miles apart. But fashionable Scots found moving them into cities required them to be built next to each other. 

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? 
- If you are the minority in the Congress, it certainly would. 

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? 
- Terminal is Latin for 'boundary', which is only a reference to the perimeter fence around to airport to stop way-ward car-drivers getting on the runway. 

If nothing sticks to teflon, how does it stick to the pan? 
- Only the top surface of the 'Teflon' is non-stick, which is why the workers in the factory have to be very careful putting the Teflon on the pan. 

If you tickled a cow, would milk come out of its' nose? 
- No. Only snot out its nose and a kick in your groin is all you will get.

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the woman and a senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: The officer told me that you stole this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: The officer claims that you do not have a driver's license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: I must admit, ma'am, that I'm confused; the officer told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered the owner.
Woman: I suppose the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

I heard today that Iraq had developed a special weapon for use against the Canadian Navy. It was called a rust-seeking missile. 

===========

In Iraq, I believe that they're replacing 100,000 Desert Marines with 1,000 women with PMS. 
They're meaner, and they can retain water for 7 days

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What was Saddam Hussein's wife telling neighbors who asked why she's leaving the country? 

a) "We're having some remodeling done." 
b) "The exterminators are coming." 
c) "We're getting the carpets bombed." 
d) All of the above. 

===========

Adviser: "Well, Mr. President, the deadline's expired. What shall we do?" 
Bush: "Send in Colin Powell!" 
Adviser: "Isn't that rather a limited strike, sir?" 
Bush: "No, I mean send him in to my office!" 
Powell: "Sir!" 
Bush: "What would be the result of an air strike on Wednesday night?" 
Powell: "Millions of innocent civilians killed and the city razed to the ground, Sir!" 
Bush: "You know I don't understand that military jargon! Give it to me in words I can understand." 
Powell: "Personnel density adjustment and strategic collateral upheaval, Sir!" 
Bush: "That bad?!" 

===========

Q. What is common between Saddam and Dukakis?
A. They both couldn't believe they lost to Bush.

===========

I can't quite call anything that drops off a plane traveling several hundred miles an hour and few thousand feet in the air to dive nose first into a concrete wall just to explode "smart." 

===========

How do you play Iraqi bingo? 

B-52...F-16...B-52 

===========

What is the Iraqi air force motto? 
I came, I saw, Iran. 
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Have you heard about the new Iraqi Air Force exercise program? 
Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there. 
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What's the five-day forecast for Baghdad? 
Two days. 
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What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common? 
They both have Kurds in their way. 
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What is the best Iraqi job? 
Foreign ambassador. 
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Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots? 
You only have to teach them to take off. 
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What is Iraq's national bird? 
Duck. 
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What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common? 
They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from! 
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Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats? 
So they can see their air force.

Stanley stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down.
They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold.
Would you be so kind as to go get me my house slippers please?" 
Stanley obliges and goes upstairs.
There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking.
Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says.....

"Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!" 
They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"
He replies, "OK, let's check!"
He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?"
......"Yes, both of them!"

New Technology

An American, a Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained "That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand." The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the toilet. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from hisbehind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. 
The Irishman finally said Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax.

Top 10 Historical uses of the 'F' word... 

1 - "Scattered f___ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC 

2 - "How the f___ did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC 

3 - "You want THAT on the f___ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566 

4 - "Where did all those f___ing Indians come from?" - Custer,1877 

5 - "It does so f___ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926 

6 - "Where the f___ are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937 

7 - "Any f___ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938 

8 - "What the f___ was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945 

9 - "I need this parade like I need a f___ing hole in the head!" -
JFK,1963 

10 - "Aw c'mon. Who the f___ is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton,1997 

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART I

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? 
Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II (JUST WARMING UP!)

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART III (Just Great Stuff)

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? 
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? 
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on? 
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it. 

Why do bagpipe players walk while they play? 
To get away from the noise. 

How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb? 
Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one. 

What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone? 
"I didn't wake up this morning..." 

What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra? 
The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back. 

What would a musician do if he won a million dollars? 
Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you buy some beers with it instead?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless man said.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20+ years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "Hey, man, that's okay! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, and golf!

Five men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One was an
engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist,
the fourth was a computer tech, and the fifth was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called his dog."T-square, do your stuff."
T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and
promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was
pretty incredible.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called to his dog
and commanded "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen
cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone
agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his dog
and said,"Measure, do your stuff. " Measure got up, walked over to
the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the
cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone 
agreed that was
more than a little impressive.

The computer tech knew he could top them all."Hard Drive' have at
it." Hard Drive crossed the room and booted the computer, checked for
viruses, upgraded the operating system, sent an email, and installed a cool
new game.
Everyone knew that was a tough act to follow.

Then the four men turned to the government worker and said, "What can
your dog do?"
The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do
your stuff, Boy."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk,
erased all the files on the computer, screwed the other four dogs, claimed
he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for
unsafe working conditions, put in for workers compensation and went
home for six-month sick leave.

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. 
The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. 
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. 
She directs him down the correct aisle. 
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. 
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?" 
He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers.... 'cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So....I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she...."

Things I Hate, by Billy Connolly..

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk _to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too"
F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course itis. Why the f*ck would you keep looking _after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser,
I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema _and stare at the f*cking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything _before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?".
If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'.
So what did they used to be? ears, _Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice? 'No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. _Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you _f*cking McTosser.

14. When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?'Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my _limbs and be off - See Ya.

The Drinkers Prayer
(Author Unknown)

Starkle, starkle, little twink,
Who the hell are you I think.
I'm not under what you call
The alcofluence of incohol.
I'm just a little slort of sheep,
I'm not drunk like thinkle peep.
I don't know who is me yet,
But the drunker I stand here the longer I get.
So just give me one more fink to drill my cup,
'Cause I got all day sober to Sunday up.

Age
(Authors Unknown)

Three old men are walking on the sidewalk.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

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A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' "
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

------------------------------------
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

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An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms - Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc...
The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host,
"I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name
about 10 years ago."

So, you think you are clever do you?
(Kenny Ramage - March  2003)

So, you think you are clever do you?
Well, let me burst your bubble!!!!
There are some of you that know that I am a "Rock Super Star".
There are maybe still a few that still need to learn that!!
If so, you are one of the uninformed. Pay a visit here:
BedRock -The Band In The Sand
Okay, feel better now?
===================
Aside from my "musical" pastime, I've been heavily involved with coding and websites for many a year. My main claim to fame though, is that I am a professional drawing office manager. I spent over 15 post apprenticeship years on "the board" before moving into the realms of management. I know all the buzz words. In fact, I wrote most of them, purely to piss the upper management off - I failed - they liked them. Next time they ask you for a "balanced score card", blame me. I started it all by claiming that our pilots should be the perfect example of one. Same number of landings as take-offs!
Anyway, what I was getting around to was this.
Do you want to be a professional coder?
Do you want to be a professional draughtsman/designer/whateveryoucallitinyourcountry?
Then you more than likely need to put in a bit of work and money.

Example from me in regards to my musical pastime:

Personal cost to me to produce the new CD, $3000 US (remember, there's 4 in the band). We've now moved into the realms of Video/DVD - my share so far, $500 US - and we've just started on this project.

This does not include personal time, leave from work, personal equipment costs such as guitar strings, amp blowing up, etc. Oh, and my beer bill is horrendous and my wife often doesn't speak to me.

We will recover most of it within a month - maybe two, but the point I'm trying to make is this! To succeed - or should I get to basics here - to make a living out of something you do, takes a great deal of investment in yourself.

I read nearly every post on VB Expresso, and I must say one thing - there are some really talented people within this forum. BUT................ a lot of you have not got a clue of how to market yourself or your talents. How can you say that Kenny? We are the elite of the CAD coding world. We can answer any question that is thrown at us. We are the best!

Humbug. I say!!
First lesson:
You must learn how to sell yourself.
Don't do or give anything for free unless you receive some sort of payment, no matter how indirectly, in return.

Example: I run AfraLisp and have spent many hours and "given" away lot's of ideas. True, but in my part of the world, my marketability is way above my peers. And so is my salary and other perks.

Second Lesson:
You must learn how to communicate.

Example: Why do you have a strange handle such as "butlicker" or "womanizer"? Use your name. If you're afraid of being recognized and your words don't carry the courage of your convictions, then don't bother posting. You cannot use your participation on the web in your CV if you use a strange name. Remember, this is business. It is not a teenage chat room. Check your spelling and your grammar. Hey, your next boss could be reading your last post.

Third lesson: Make friends.
It's easy to criticise someone else's coding. It's even easier to do it in a nasty way. Don't!! Be a gentleman or a lady at all times.

Example: I get all sorts of correspondence in regards to AfraLisp and Cad Encoding. The majority is good, some downright rude. Each and every one receives a reply varying from friendly to polite, polite being the key word here. Yes, you do have to put up with shit. Hey, it's a tough world. Don't dish it back, learn how to deal with it. The web makes it very easy to hide behind an electronic screen. Don't do it! Handle it like the professional that you profess to be. I work day to day with people that I don't particularly like. So what? Must I slag them off because they do things I don't like. No I don't, I work with them. The same goes when communicating on the web.

Fourth lesson: Spend money. Yes, YOUR money.
Not on a new car or house - at least not yet. Spend it on such things as professionally designed and printed business cards. Or a professionally produced CV. Did you notice how the word "professional" kept on rearing it's ugly head? Okay fine, you can produce the "same" thing at home on your computer. YOU CANNOT!! And for one simple reason. You are not a professional graphics designer or printer that's why. Spend some money and pay the experts. The same goes for software. Buy the software. Stop copying the bloody stuff from your friends and then searching the web for a crack. You cannot run a business using unlicensed, illegal software. And remember, the business is you. So if your software is dodgy then maybe you are. Another thing. Keep books. Yes, every cent should be accounted for. How else can you get yourself a line of credit if you don't keep account of the money? If your business does take off you will need to first employ other people and then, more than likely, borrow money. Strangely enough, when you employ someone they expect to be paid - on time. If you do not know exactly where your money is going, how will you know if you have enough to pay them come pay day. In regards to borrowing money, all bank managers will require a business plan before letting go of one cent. Your books are your business plan.

Example: My wife is an ex-trainee accountant. She is now a librarian. Heather looks after all the money. We don't have much, but every cent is accounted for. ALL my software is licensed. Some of it I paid for - some I was given 'cos I'm nice.

Fifth lesson: Honesty and integrity.
You can makes lots of money, but in my eyes, if you lose these two then you lose life.

What Were You Doing 10 Years Ago?
(Kenny Ramage February 2003)

Me, well I was in exactly the same place as I am now - Oranjemund, Namibia. In those long lost days though, I was a lowly design draughtsman with a year to go before I hit the big time and got the promotion I so richly deserved. My oldest son was 12, my second 10, and my daughter still a wee mite of 8 years. At this time of the year, we were getting all prepared to send off my oldest to boarding school in Cape Town. He wanted to take a puppy. I said no!!

Programming - If memory serves me correctly, this was just about the time that we received our upgrades from R12 to R13. We were still working in DOS, and I had no idea about such things as dialog boxes, especially designing your own. Until that point, I'd been modifying the AutoCAD pull down menus to run macros and AutoLisp routines. When R13 hit me, partial menus had come into play and the buggers at AutoDesk had changed the whole format of the menu system. Just like that, everything I'd written became null and void. Not that my programs were wrong and didn't work anymore. No, they were more devious than that! I now couldn't trigger the bloody things.
This was my slow painful entry into the world of DCL. You may laugh now, but remember, in those days we had no choice. VBA didn't exist. AutoLisp or nothing!!
To make matters worse, email and the Internet didn't exist, and being stuck in the middle of the desert I had no access to any of the few AutoCAD magazines that were published in those days. I was stuck with the AutoCAD reference manuals. Never, ever, ever do I want to repeat that exercise again and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. How did I work it all out? Pure bloody trial and error that's how. (Randall claims I still work the same way).
Bur, persist I did and maybe it did me a lot of good. It helped a lot in that I was in a working drawing office and sort of "HAD" to make things work. (I made it work and a year later was promoted.)

Political - In Namibia, we'd gone through our independence a couple of years previously so things had pretty well settled down. Our neighbour South Africa though - whom we rely on to a large degree - was busy going through the birth pains of a change of government and the end of apartheid. Mandela was about to be released, and there was a lot of concern over civil war breaking out. Thank the Lord it didn't. People were hoarding food and fuel, rumours were flying around and everyone - white, black, pink and green - were worried. Turmoilous times.

Music - I was "retired" from music at that time and to keep myself busy had got heavily involved with the local amateur theatre on the directing and production side. Good fun. Pantomimes, Variety Shows, even one or two "serious" productions. Some times I miss it. Mostly I don't. Why? Well in a band you've got maybe 4 or 5 egos to contend with. In the theatre there's bloody hundreds - including the person who takes the tickets. Never again - well, maybe once.

Other Hobbies - well I build two wooden ships from scratch with just the plans, and a few bits of wood. (Honest). In fact my son Daniel said to his Mum today that when Dad dies he would like my ships. Mmm - is that good or bad.
I also started playing Lawn Bowls - go on laugh. Great game and better than bloody golf 'cos at least you don't lose your balls - or your temper.
(By the way - I ended up being Namibian Open Singles Champion and I've got the medals and photo's to prove it. So there).

So, what were you doing 10 years ago? Care to share??

Insulting Humour
(Just replace the names with those of your enemies.)
(Authors Unknown)

If I offend anybody here, hey life's tough -----------------------

Kenny died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. Of course, his two best friends, Cornbread and Kinat, were sent for.
Cornbread went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
He said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over and Cornbread looked and said "No, that ain't Kenny."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Kinat in to identify the body. He took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over" The mortician rolled him over and Kinat looked down and said, "No, that ain't Kenny"
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Cornbread said, "Well, Kenny had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say........
"Here comes Kenny with them two arseholes...."
-------------

Randall walks into a bar, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
Randall replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Africa, and the other in Australia, and I'm here in the US of A. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
Randall becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
Randall looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs, "Oh, no" he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
---------------

Dear Marie:
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month.
My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.
When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred...then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me.
Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door...
There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be.
He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test. Marie, should I tell my fiance what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character?
Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

Dirty Howi

------------

Stig Madesen feeling very depressed walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. Is something wrong?" After quickly downing his drink Stig replied, "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Wow", exclaimed the bartender as he poured the man a second triple scotch, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. This one's on the house."
As Stig finished the second scotch, the bartender asked him, "So what did you do?"
"I walked over to my wife", Stig replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through. I told her to pack her bags and get the hell out."
"That makes sense", said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?"
"I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'Bad dog!'"

----------

Sherko walks into a bar and says "Gimme twenty shots of your best bourbon." The bartender pours the shots, and Sherko immediately pounds them all down like a madman.
The bartender says "Man, I've never seen anybody drink like that before."
Sherko says "You'd drink like that too if you had what I have."
"What do you have?" asks the bartender.
Sherko says "Fifty cents."

Engineers Rules For When Dealing With The Drawing Office
Kindly donated by Andy Canfield (Cornbread)

• Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
• If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
• Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
• If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
• If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
• Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
• If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
• If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
• If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
• Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
• Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to Engineers' hell.
• Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good Engineer.
• Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
• Tell me to hurry up and finish so you can tell me about the changes you decided on at a meeting yesterday.

Benchmark Test
(Kenny Ramage - November  2002)

AutoCAD VV-Lite

Recently, I received an unusual request from AutoDesk :
"Hi Kenny," it said, "Knowing that you are a man of high intellect, have a good understanding of the AutoDesk range of products, and have never been found guilty of anything as charges were always dropped, we would like you to benchmark and test our latest product namely - "AutoCAD VV-Lite" or, to reveal it's true name, "AutoCAD Very, Very Lite."

Being a strong upstanding citizen (whilst standing,) I decide to give it a go.
AutoCAD VV-Lite is a brand new product aimed primarily at the person who has difficulty in producing/reading a drawing. The major selling point of this package is that it is a state of the art, seventh generation, ONE DIMENSIONAL Cad package. AutoDesk, after major research, identified the need that a lot of draughtspersons/engineerpersons have in producing and or reading 2D drawings - never mind 3D solid models or wire frames.
This was the niche that AutoDesk had been looking for!

Following are a couple of major features I picked up on whilst testing this truly unique software package :

• The first step is to select your mode of drawing. AutoCAD VV-Lite provides 3 modes - Horizontal Mode, Vertical Mode and Angular Mode. Only one Mode at a time can be active. This exciting and revolutionary feature removes all confusion and difficulty from having to remember what type and orientation of entity you are drawing. A simple 3-way toggle switch, as used on the Space Shuttle, allows you to cycle between modes.
  An added bonus is that only one of the "Mode" types is displayed. This drastically reduces regen time. e.g. If you are in "Horizontal Mode," only Horizontal entities are displayed.

• Pull Down, Screen and Toolbar Menu's have been totally eliminated. In their place, a "stick on" screen menu has been provided. This new menu type comes in all screen sizes and resolutions to suit your VDU. (TV screens, drive-in screens and ice creams are not yet supported.)

• All text is entered as normal, but appear on your screen in Lower Case Pittman's Shorthand. In addition, all numeric characters are converted to binary code (1 and 0.)
  Both these enhancements greatly help in reducing the pressure on system resources.

• Blocks and Xref's are not inserted. Hieroglyphics are used instead. They are fully customisable.

• Every entity automatically snaps to all other entities within the drawing to avoid confusion of which snap to use.

• No scaling is necessary as "Not To Scale" is automatically applied to the drawing in the way of a water mark.

• When you draw an entity or insert a block, and if the system doesn't like what you are doing, or if you take to long, the entity is deleted and your immediate supervisor is informed via e-mail.

• AutoLisp is present in the form of a stripped version known as "AutoLisp VV-Lite."
  The need for brackets has been eliminated.

These are just a few of the more powerful features present in this new, vastly improved package of goodies from the AutoDesk stable. Keep your eye out for AutoCAD VV-Lite. It should hit the shelves around about the last quarter of this year.

• Tested on : Commodore 64 with 12 inch portable TV screen.

• Program Size (installed) : 53Kb

• Suggested retail price : $57- 36c US

• Platforms Supported : Windows, Doors and Ceiling.

• Rating : 4 peanuts and a keg.
  

AutoCAD Training
(Kenny Ramage - November 2002)

I don't hate training, I detest it. How I ever ended up with the responsibility of training people on AutoCAD I don't know. Well I do really. It's 'cos of my big mouth and having a tendency to "volunteer" for what I think will be an interesting experience. Silly me! I'll never learn. I don't mind workshops, in fact I quite enjoy that aspect of training. A workshop is different. At most workshops you're dealing with people that want to be there and want to learn. Straight forward training is a totally different matter. There you're dealing with people who have all sorts of reasons and agendas for having to attend the course. Here's a couple of my pet hates :


The Absolute Total Executive Beginner.

They often arrive in a suit and tie and have normally been newly promoted. Many of them are on a "fast track" career path and have decided (and there boss) that a half day "Introduction to the PC" followed by a one day AutoCAD course is all that will be necessary to run a 20 seat CAD office. Of course, these are the people who hold the purse strings and decide on new software. They normally leave just after lunch to attend an important meeting.

The Quiet as a Mouse Invisible Man.

This person never says a word. He hides behind his computer screen ducking his head every time you look at him. He never asks a questions and when asked if he understands gives a meek smile and cleans his glasses. Half way through the session you normally discover that he got lost within the first quarter of an hour and has just been pretending to go along with the lessons. You normally spend the first tea break sitting with him to allow him to catch up with the rest of the class. At the end of the day he's never finished and you end up pulling out the PC plug and pretending that there's been a major power failure to get rid of him. He phones your every day for the next 6 months with questions regarding the first lesson.

The Know it all Expert

This guy has normally finished the whole days syllabus before morning tea time. He doesn't listen to word you say and does his own thing. When you do ask him a question he can't answer but shrugs it off by telling his neighbour that he doesn't do it that way anyway. His way is quicker. He spends most of the day rearranging his toolbars and doesn't need to learn AutoLisp or VBA because he doesn't have time for coding. He has an extensive library of macros which he claims does the same as any program. He normally wears a Bon Jovi World Tour 96 t-shirt and drives a VW Beetle. He claims he built his own PC.

So, have you done any training? Have you got student types that you hate? Let me know and we'll add them to the list.

The Atoms Family
(Kenny Ramage - October 2002)

A Never Ending Story

The rest of the Atoms Family were already having breakfast by the time Mr Atom, the Global Variable, made his way down to the kitchen. As he was a long, he had to duck his head to get through the kitchen door.

"Morning everyone," he setq'd.
"Morning Dad," the rest of the family chorused.

He defined himself on his chair and proceeded to tablesearch.

"I can't findfile my newspaper. Who set_tiled the table?" he setq'd.
"I did Dad," setq'd his son, "I must have errored and left it on the tblnext in the xroom. I'll getfiled it for you now."

Mrs Atom, another Global Long, was busy entmaking breakfast.

"How should I defun your tiles dear?" she setq'd.
I'd like them well set," he menucmded, "Without a trace of lsh."

His son returned with his newspaper and xunloaded to his father who put on his vports, opened the newspaper and proceeded to readline.

"Dad," his daughter prompted, trying to entmake conversation. "Could I go to the function tonight?"

Father was immediately alert. Slowly he turned the textpage of his newspaper.

Where is it being held?" he setq'd.
"In Paper Space," she replied.
"Well you are a double," he evaled. "How will you get there as it's quite a distance and the weather is so bad that it's almost polar."
"We'll be transported by car," she setq'd.
"In that old Ascii your boyfriend constructed?" Dad said. "It's a wonder that it hasn't been picked up during garbage collection. Okay, you can go, but on one condition. Do not mix with any of the local variables. If they cause any arguments, do not stay, exit immediately."
"Can I go as well Dad?" setq'd his son.
"Getreal," his Dad replied, "You're still an integer. Anyway, I've got a list of commands and sub routines for you."
"Oh Dad," his son wailed.
Now, now, foreach task you complete I will pay you one dollar.
First I want you to feed the strcat.
Then you can help me reverse the car out the garage, and while I'm out you can chop a log and then progn the VCR."

To be continued, hopefully by a VBA version.
 

The Contract Draughtsman's Phrase Book

You Know You're an old Cad Drafter when.....