THE CONTRACT DRAUGHTSMANS PHRASE BOOK

AGENT:

• Grabbing bastard. Usually suffers from amnesia.

FLAT WEEK:

• Disease with often fatal results. Symptoms: Frequent phone calls to other agents; stabbing pains in the bank statement. Only known cure is liberal application of overtime, three times daily.

CLIENT:

• A person who is convinced that he knows what he wants, better than any self–respecting contractor. Usually proved to be incorrect.

OVERTIME:

• Time specified for doing work which was impossible, for many reasons. to complete.

DOUBLE TIME:

• Heaven, the contractor's ultimate ecstasy.

FRIDAY:

• Payday. Can also be day on which D.C.M'S are awarded.

D.C.M.

• (Abbr. Don't come Monday) Normal termination of contract. Extremely vulgar.

LONG TERM CONTACT:

• Term used by agents to denote any job thought to be lasting more than 20 minutes.

STAFF DRAUGHTSMAN:

• (vulg.) A derogatory expression used to indicate an administrative overhead.

IMMEDIATE REQUIREMENT:

• Expression used by agents, which means "You will not hear anything more about this job for six months."

RATE:

• An imaginary figure for a job. Always less than the correct figure.

AGENTS MARGIN:

• A supposedly small figure which is capable of doing big things, like buying big cars and foreign holidays.

LOCAL CONTRACT:

• A job within 1000 miles of your home.

OFF-SHORE CONTRACT:

• Must be able to swim to work without getting drawings wet.

CV:

• A set of lies submitted to an agent and bearing no resemblance to events or persons living or dead.

RESUME:

• A set of lies submitted to client by an agent bearing no resemblance to the above-mentioned set of lies.

JOB SATISFACTION:

• Something only occurring on the last Friday of each month (payday).

GRUB-SCREW:

• (n.Latin) Term used to denote contractor having dinner date with attractive female staff member (usually very rare).

INTERVIEW:

• One and only opportunity for client to try to impress contractor with his expertise.
  (Seldom effective due to persistent questions about rate).

TAX INSPECTOR:

• Evil being, demoniacal thing.
• Nasty bogey man used to frighten infant contractors if they are naughty.

TIME SHEET:

• Agency Time Sheet - 2nd most important piece of paperwork after salary cheque.
• Client Time Sheet - A device invented solely to annoy and wake up contractor for at least 10 minutes per week.

EXPENSES:

• Money expended by contractors in legitimate course of his business i.e. booze bills, squash club fees, gambling accounts, etc.

DEMOB HAPPY:

• State of euphoria existing in last seven days of contract.

STATUTORY HOLIDAY:

• Government legislation designed to reduce contractor's income.

CONTINGENCY PLANNING:

• Constantly having CV updated and ready for E-mailing.

ENGINEER:

• Lowly paid contractor-in-training. (See also under "Staff man".)

MANAGER:

• (Old Eng. "Man-ager") Painful irritant. Noted for constant moaning about costs and completion dates.

DECISION:

• Almost extinct. Lack of this item responsible for huge quantities of wasted work and a contractor's major source of income.

C.A.D.:

• Expensive plaything used to reduce company profits and provide useful part-time employment.