1. Constipated People Don’t Give A Shit.
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3. If You Drink Don’t Park, Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don’t Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Don’t Succeed...Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.
13. If You Can Read This, I’ve Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
15. It’s Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
16. If You’re Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
17. You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
19. I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha.
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.
21. So Many Pedestrians-So Little Time.
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can’t Quite Remember My Name.
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
26. Illiterate? Write For Help.
27. Honk If Anything Falls Off.
28. Cover Me, I’m Changing Lanes.
29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You’re Doing It Wrong...
38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...[Seen Upside Down On A Jeep]
40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
42. If Walking Is So Good For You, then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
43. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
44. Ax Me About Ebonics.
45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
46. Boldly Going Nowhere.
47. Cat: The Other White Meat.
48. Caution-Driver Legally Blonde.
49. Don’t Be Sexist-Bitches Hate That.
50. Heart Attacks...God’s Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
51. Honk If You’ve Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?
53. If You Can’t Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
54. Money Isn’t Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch.
55. Saw It...Wanted It...Had A Fit...Got It!
56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE---PLANT A MAN.
58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
59. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
62. BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
63. So you’re a feminist...Isn’t that precious.
64. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
66. Money Isn’t The Most Important Thing, But It Rates Right Up There With Oxygen.
The Geography of a Woman
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia.
She is half discovered, half wild, and naturally beautiful with bush
land around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan.
Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially
with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot,
relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina.
She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm
and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq.
She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction
is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide,
quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate
keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia.
With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it
is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.
After a woman gave birth to her baby, the Doctor stood solemnly beside her bed.
“There is something I must tell you about your baby.”
"What’s wrong”, the alarmed mother asked?
“Your baby is a hermaphrodite.”
“It means your baby has both male and female parts.”
“Oh my God, that’s wonderful!”, the mother said, “You mean it has a penis and a brain?”
How to shower like a woman :
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to
whites and coloured.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more
Get in shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice
Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash hair again to make sure it is clean.
Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural
avocado oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger-nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Check entire body for spots, tweeze hairs.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover any exposed areas.
How to Shower Like A Man :
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed.
Leave in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake knob at her making woo-hoo sound
Look at manly physique in the mirror.
Admire size of your knob and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt leaving those coarse hairs stuck on the soap.
Make shampoo mohawk.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Fail to notice water on floor.
Admire knob size in mirror again.
Leave sho wer door open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake knob at her and make woo-hoo noise
Throw wet towel on bed.
"Me, can I come in?"
"Sorry, we're closed".
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this
taste funny to you?"
That reminds me of the cannibal that passed his friend in the woods.....
When do cannibals leave the table? When everyone's eaten.......
What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show? A celebrity roast.....
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts......
What do cannibals make out of politicians? Baloney sandwiches......
Have you heard about the cannibal restaurant? Dinner costs an arm and a
Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food? He ordered a
pizza with everybody on it.......
Cannibal's recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man.......
One cannibal to another: I never met a man I didn't like...........
Two cannibals were sitting by a fire. The first says, "Gee, I hate my
mother-in-law." The 2nd replies, "So, try the potatoes."
The first cannibal asked the 2nd cannibal, "Aren't you done eating
yet?" The 2nd cannibal replied, "I'm on my last leg now."
While on his state visit to England, George Bush met The Queen, and he
turns round and says: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing
how my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should
be be a Kingdom."
The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to
have a King in charge - and you're not a King."
George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality
To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be
a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush."
Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?
The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Sorry again, Mr
Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you
are not an Emperor."
Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think
you're doing quite nicely as a Country."
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night,
Kenny led the way to his bedroom where there was a brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking clock" Kenny replied.
"A talking clock? Seriouiouously?"
"Hmmm (hic)." "How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.
"Watch" Kenny said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering pound
and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment in silence.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed
"For f**k's sake you w**ker, it's ten past three in the f**king morning!"
An advertisement in The Atlanta Journal received numerous calls:
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods,
riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights
lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you
get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Topsy.
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society
about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit.
She pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,
“What man here will buy a lady a drink?”
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his
hand down on the counter and bellowed, “Give the ballerina a drink!”
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them,
revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, “What man here will buy
a lady a drink?”
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar
and said, “Give the ballerina another drink!”
The bartender approached the little drunk and said,
“I say old chap, it’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink,
but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?”
The drunk replied, “Any woman who can lift her leg that high has to
be a ballerina!”
Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company.
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: “You’re all part of our team now.
You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for
something to eat. So don’t trouble the other employees”.
The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says: “You’re all working very hard,
and I’m very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared
however. Do any of you know what happened to her?”
The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others:
“Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?”. A hand raises hesitantly, to
which the leader of the cannibals says: “You fool! For four weeks
we’ve been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so
no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!”
A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with
him for $500.00.
So they spent the night together. In the morning, before he left, he
told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would
have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent
for Apartment." On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done,
realizing that the whole event was not worth the price.
So, he sent a cheque for $250.00 and enclosed a note :
Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250.00 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the
apartment, I was under the impression that :
1. It had never been occupied.
2. There was plenty of heat.
3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously
occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful
apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is
plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the
apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough
furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord. I will expect full
payment due immediately or I will be forced to hire someone to remove your
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than Improving their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the comer of his eye.....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a
second thought......Soon he sees another sign, which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real....Then
he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive....On the
far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next
the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell....The door is answered by a nun
in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"....He
answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in
"Very well, my son. Please follow me." ....He is led through many
winding passages and is soon quite disoriented....The nun stops at a
closed door and tells the man, Please knock on this door".............
He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin
cup asnwers the door.....This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the
cup,then go through the large wooden door at the end of this
He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup.....
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips throught the door, pulling it
shut behind him........
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot,
facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN
SCREWED BY THE
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT,
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous
redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since
he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its
socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of
the air, and hands it back.
"Oh, my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in
place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater,
followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest
dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything,
she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a
nightcap.........and stay for breakfast.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!!
"You know," he says, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies........."
Wait for it............
"........You just happened to catch my eye."
A woman was being sent to England to attend a two-week company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife says, "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The romantic husband smiles and says, "An English girl!"
The woman keeps quiet and bids him a loving good-bye hug and kiss.
Two weeks later husband came to collect her at the airport and asked,
"Honey, how was your trip?"
"Very good, thank you," she says.
The husband preparing for a romantic night continued,
"And, dear, what happened to my present?"
She asks, "What present?"
He winks and replies, "Remember what I asked for.... The English girl?"
"Oh, that?" the wife answers earnestly, "well, I did what I
could; now we have to wait a few months to see if it's really a girl!"
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in
despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun
down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink.
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We
drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over
the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're
already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette,
poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl
of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do
all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I
never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"