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"Utter Rubbish"
Mergers
========
In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Netscape deal, here are the next bombshell mergers, investors should expect:
Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become, Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become, Polly Warner Cracker.
3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become,
Zip Audi Do Da.
Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing Reproductive Organs.
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become Fairwell Honeychild
Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become, Knott NOW.
----------------------------
Get the picture?
=============
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.
The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."
After a long pause, the "pilot" replied: "You mean, you're not my instructor?"
-----------------------
TEACHING MATH THROUGH THE DECADES
==================================
In 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of the price. What is his profit?
In 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
In 1970 (new math): A logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1.00. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set M. The set C of the costs of production contains 20 fewer points than set M. Represent the set C as a subset of M, and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set p of profits?
In 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80, and his profit is $20. Your assignment: underline the number 20.
In 1990: (outcome-based education): By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? (Topic for class participation: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?)
In 2000: By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.
==============
Alfa
Passionate and romantic, you fancy yourself. A bit unreliable, and can
be eccentric too. You hate BMW drivers, but think and act just like
them.
Audi
You would like to believe you are part of the new generation that is
caring, environmentally conscious and family-orientated. Actually, quite
boring, nothing more than a glorified wuss. Will one day probably drive
a Merc, but you still sometimes wonder if you shouldn't have bought that
Bee-Em.
BMW
Self-centred, ambitious, dynamic and assertive. Buppies and kugels
past sell-by date. You think you will be CEO one day. Actually an office
weenie who thinks you are God's gift.
Daewoo
Faceless, subservient and demure (except for Matiz drivers). To you,
a good deal is to work from nine to five, get nothing for it, and still
say thank you. And then you wonder why you don't have money for a good time
after hours.
Ford
You still live in the 70's, trying to cope with the 90's
(don't even mention the millennium). A loyal, diligent worker, but
baffled by office politics and labour policies. Next car will probably
also be a Ford.
Honda
You aspire to drive a BMW. You are an opinionated pain-in-the-butt.
The ultimate suffragette, or the boss's girlfriend (male or female!.
Hyundai
Quite progressive, intelligent and practical. But misguided. The kind
of person who will suggest a sub-committee to find solutions to what the
committee couldn't. You will always maintain that a Korean car is
better than any Japanese model.
Jeep
You would like to believe you are living the American dream and just
love the great outdoors. The closest you get to it is by watching Days
of Our Lives and the Adventure Channel.
Land Rover
You are a designer person with a designer life, who always pays too
much for everything. Designer mud comes free with the badge. If you have
a Freelander, it was probably a break-up gift from your ex.
Mazda
A Ford driver with more money. Mostly staid boring with no image and
less imagination.
Mercedes-Benz
Responsible, immaculate and conservative. Boring CEO clones with too
much money, or the office super-geek who can't remember what it's like
to have fun. Definitely not dating material.
Nissan
Good, solid, responsible, loyal office-fodder. You like to travel and
maintain that you can sell ice to the Eskimos. Favourite answer:
It's a company car."
Opel
Wannabe Schumachers.
Always in a rush, but never get anything done.
Pajero
Not as label-conscious as your Land Rover counterpart, but still
suckered into believing in the ultimate African adventure. You drive
through puddles to create your own designer mud. You believe you've made the
grade, but everyone else knows you've got a long way to go.
Renault
An eccentric who likes doing things the wrong way around. Usually the
one who asks all the silly questions at staff meetings. You fervently
believe you have flair, but it's less than that of a French cookbook.
Ssangyong
A make-believe fool, because you'd like a Pajero but can't afford it.
VW
You are an exciting and care-free individual. Friends are often
envious of you and your car. Although you are very good-looking
and attractive to the opposite sex, you are very modest and
down-to-earth. Your superior intelligence will get you far in this world.
You were born
to lead.
Toyota
You have an inferiority complex and feel threatened by VW drivers. You
are usually very bad in bed and have difficulty in impressing people of
the opposite sex. You are usually an embarrassment at social functions
and tend to stay alone at home. You find sexual gratification from sleazy
magazines and movies. Often you are found outside adult amusements
stores.
Your desire to own a VW sometimes overwhelms you, and you become nasty and
rude. You should jump into your TOYOTA and drive off a cliff.
====================
REPLACEMENT OF MOUSE BALLS
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of
mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
====================
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome
things that money can buy."
~Tom Clancy
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
~ Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand."
~ Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night."
~Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual
arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz
380SL."
~Lynn Lavner
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the
taxidermist."
~Matt Barry
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
~Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are
unimportant."
~George Burns
==============
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, the man says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says,
"Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."
The man sighs and says, "It's started".
===================
On a tour of Scotland, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the North West coast on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4 Pope mobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a English Rugby
jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty-foot shark. At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Scottish rugby tops roared into view from around the point.
Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly.
The other two reached out and pulled the Englishman from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore.
It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach. Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide Scotland and England, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow."
He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others,
"Who was that?"
"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
-- - - - - - - -
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows f--- all about shark hunting. How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"
======================
The most functional word in the English language is... Shit.
That's right, shit! Consider this:
You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for
brains. With a little effort, you can get your shit together,
find a place for your shit or, decide to shit or get off the
pot.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit,
forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. Some people
know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between
shit and Shinola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits and sweet shits.
There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit. You can throw
shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when shit
hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find
yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit. Some
days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and
some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and
there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much
shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot
of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself
up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you touch
turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and
come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic
building block of life. And remember, once you know your shit,
you don't need to know anything else.
Pass this along---if you give a shit
=========================
A GIRLS PRAYER
Lord,
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's willy's thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin'
In the hall, the bath tub, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the dickhead you sent me instead.
Amen.
************************************************
A BOYS PRAYER
Lord,
I pray for a girl with nice big tits.
Amen.
***********************************************
The Pope meets the cardinals to discuss a proposal from Ariel Sharon, the leader of Israel.
"Your Holiness" says one of the cardinals, "Mr Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thinks that this is a good idea but he's never held a golf club.
"Isn't there a cardinal that can represent me?" he asked.
"Yes there's a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who's a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal then ask him to play Ariel Sharon as your personal representative. In addition, to show our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agrees it's a great idea.
The call is made. Of course Nicklaus is honoured and agrees to play.
The day after the match Nicklaus reports to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.
"I don't like to brag but I played the best golf ever. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons accurate and my putting was perfect. In fact my play was truly miraculous."
"So you won then?" the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighs. " No, your Holiness. I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes."
===================
Announcing a new device: Basic Orderly Organised Knowledge (BOOK)
The BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: No wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover!
Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere - even sitting in an armchair by the fire - yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc. Here's how it works...
Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs in half.
Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now BOOKs with more information simply use more pages. This makes them thicker and harder to carry, and has drawn some criticism from the mobile computing crowd.
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The BOOK never crashes and never needs rebooting, though like other display devices it can become unusable if dropped overboard. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish.
Many come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval. An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOKmarks can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. T he number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.
You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).
Portable, durable, and affordable, the BOOK is being hailed as the entertainment wave of the future. The BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform. Look for a flood of new titles soon.
"Borrowed" from the O'Byrne Files
==================
A: IF COMPUTER OPERATING SYSTEMS WERE LIKE BEERS...
1: DOS Beer
You need to use your own can opener, and it requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
2: Mac Beer
Initially came in only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
3: Windows 3.1 Beer
Used to be the world's most popular. Claims it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
4: Windows 95 Beer
Looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people kept drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends tried Windows 95 Beer and said they liked it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claimed it was an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger fridges. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but then the company promised to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
Unix Beer
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.
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B: IF COMPUTER OPERATING SYSTEMS WERE LIKE AIRLINES...
1: DOS Airlines
Passengers are handed maps, compasses, rulers, pencils, and an airplane manual (shrink- wrapped) as they enter the plane. They have to figure out how to get the plane to wherever they want to go. Some succeed very well. Others crash, but they shouldn't have been messing around with airplanes anyway.
2: Maclntosh Airlines
All the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look the same, act the same, and talk the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without you having to know, so just shut up.
3: OS/2 Airlines
If you succeed in getting on board the plane and the plane succeeds getting off the ground, you have a wonderful trip ...
4: Windows Airlines
The airport terminal is nice and colorful, with friendly stewards and stewardesses, easy access to the plane, and an uneventful takeoff... then the plane blows up without any warning whatsoever.
5: NT Airlines
Everyone marches out on the runway, says the password in unison, and forms the outline of a plane. Then they all sit down and make a whooshing sound like they're flying.
6: UNIX Airlines
Everyone brings one piece of the plane with them when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they are building.
==================
I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a copper writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a guy a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil necked nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tyres!!
So I called him a horse f*cker.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets
he wrote.
I didn't give a sh*t, my car was parked around the corner...
=====================
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well- to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard
the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a BMW."
=============
Two Blonde woman were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a sh*t."
The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and sh*t."
The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass." The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"
The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea- I'll use that!"
She left and came back with sh*t all over her hands and clothes.
Her friend looked at her and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"
The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3
quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"
============
DUNCAN THE CRAB
Duncan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply, and passionately in love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship, until one day Kate scuttled over to Duncan in tears.
"We can't see each other anymore....." she sobbed.
"Why?" gasped Duncan.
"Daddy says that crabs are too common" she wailed. "He claims you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of crustacean...and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."
Duncan was shattered, and scuttled sideward away into the darkness and to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.
That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the Lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her fathers side, inconsolable.
Suddenly the doors burst open, and Duncan the crab strode in.
The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped, and the King Lobster arose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Duncan the crab made his way across the floor...and all could see that he was walking ... not sideways, but FORWARDS, one claw after another!
Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally looked the King Lobster in the eye.
There was a deadly hush.....
For quite a while......
Finally, the crab spoke.....
"F*ck, I'm pissed."
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