"Utter Rubbish"

TO: All employees

FROM: The boss

DATE: October 4th, 2002

RE: Foul Language

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the
course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints
received from some employees who are easily offended, this type of
language will be no longer tolerated. We do, however, realize the
critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings
when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of new phrases
has been provided so
that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an
effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive
employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: When the f*ck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f*cking way!

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh*tting me.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with . . .
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh*t.

TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a sh*t.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f*cking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f*ck?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF: F*ck it, it won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f*ck cares?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF: F*ck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Bite me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another f*cking meeting?

TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a sh*t.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a f*cking prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: What the f*ck are you doing?

=====================

Two Irish men walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section.
Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem!"
The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag."
The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.

They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.
"Dis looks like a grand place, eh?" says Gerry.
"Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy.
They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss.
"I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry.
He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'.
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says,
"Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me"

======= PART TWO ======

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he, walks up carrying the familiar peeper bag.
He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off.
Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider"

======= PART THREE ======

A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar
'peeper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result.
Once more Paddy shakes his head -
"Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you fockin' hengliding!"

===============

Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees little Mike staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350lbs, 20inch penis, testicles 3lbs each, Turner Brown."

Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor.

The big dude kneels down and brings him to by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you OK??"

In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"

The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."

Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! .... I thought you said "Turn Around!!"

=============

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes
and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man
immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says:
"Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?"
She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection,
it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a
towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts.
Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out
of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?"
The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me."
The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist:
"May I help you?"
Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."
Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours;
you only saw a small fraction of our facilities.....

"Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old...
I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day!

======================

The Kenny Hangover Scale

1-Star Hangover *

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you. You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka red bulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.


2-Star Hangover * *

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.


3-Star Hangover * * *

Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because her perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a litre of coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.


4-Star Hangover * * * *

You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you either
missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems depending on your gender. Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the second-grade class picture circa 1976.
You would give a week's pay for one of the following: _Home time, doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a Time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.


5-Star Hangover * * * * *

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate
saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now.
Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe...very gently.


6-Star Hangover * * * * * *

You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly; as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter
what you do you now, you're going to chuck. You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you
spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls. You sit there on the floor in your undies, Cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this
stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils projectile out your mouth on the last occasion. It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/He abuses you again
for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair. _You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. Work is not an option.

===============

Unauthorized Activity

This one is a cracker. It was an actual letter sent to a man named
Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State
of Michigan.

Wait till you read this guy's response.......

***************************

Mr. Ryan DeVries
2088 Dagget Pierson, MI 49339

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental
Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the
above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as
the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following
unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the
outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to
the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's
files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the
Department has determined that this activity is in violation of
Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,
being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled
Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams
partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and
flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this
nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The
Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities
at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow
condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than
January 31, 2002.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed
so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.
Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized
activity on the site may result in this case being referred for
elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this
matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have
any questions.

Sincerely, David L. Price
District Representative Land and Water Management Division


*******************

This is the actual response sent back........


Dear Mr. Price,

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County.

Your certified letter dated 12/17/01 has been handed to
me to respond to.

First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal Landowner and/or
Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. I am the legal
owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized)
process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams
across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam
project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their
skillful use of natures building materials "debris."

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate
their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe
I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam
skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam
persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they
must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of
dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate
against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers
throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers,
through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed
copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have
been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation
of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource
and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of
1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan
Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers
entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are
financially destitute and are unable to pay for said
representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.
The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams
failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that
this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required
to protect.

In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone
rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you
want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please
contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them, they
obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being
unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to
build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass
is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights
than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of
Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it
should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment
(Beavers' Dams.).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can
be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why
wait until 1/31/2002? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the
dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to
contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the
bears!
Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe
you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers
alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your
step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable
to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this
response to your dam office.

Sincerely,
Stephen L.Tvedten

===================

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Everyone else then left the bar and drove off.
Finally, the guy sitting in his car started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0 % !
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

=================

Extract from the Australian Etiquette Handbook

GENERAL:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
4. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take the trailer to the funeral home.

DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as it detracts from a woman's jewelry and alters the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the crap house door two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A track suit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun's loaded and the drivers heads in sight.
2. When approaching a round-about, the vehicle with the largest tyres doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer, too.

=================

Politics.. 
Returning from school one day, little Johnny goes to his father and asks:
- Dad, our teacher mentioned during the history class today one word I didn't know... 
- Yes son...? 
-It's "politics", dad. Could you explain me what it means? 
- Well now, Johnny - says his father while frowning - that's a rather complex term.. especially for someone as young as you; to make it easier, let's put it into your perspective: I am your father. I work and bring money to this house. I make all of the most important decisions. Therefore let's call me Capitalism. Your mum, she run's the household - so she's something like a Government around here. Our maid does most of the toil around the house - so she can be the Working Class. You son, let's call you The People. And your little baby brother is our youngest family member - hence he's the future. That's pretty much how politics works, son. Was that good enough for you?
-Well, thank's dad. It was a bit confusing though. I'll have to sleep on it a bit and see whether I can understand it tomorrow.. 
Later that night, Johnny suddenly wakes up. He's hungry. On the way to the kitchen, he hears his little brother screaming from his cot. So he sneaks to his room, takes a good look around, and finds his sibling in soiled pampers ;-) The stench is unbearable. And since Johnny is only a 9-year old kid, with no baby-training, he shouts for his parents. 
Nothing. He shouts again, only louder. Still nothing. Quite frustrated with the situation at hand, he heads for his parents' bedroom, where he finds his mother fast asleep, but no trace of the "patter familias".
Puzzled, he goes to the maid's chambers - and lo! and behold there's his dad, (with the maid, of course), cheating on his wife! Exasparated, Johnny finally gives up, and goes back to bed. 
The next day, Johnny's father (unaware of his son's revelations the previous night)goes to his boy and asks: 
- So..is politics any clearer to you now? 
- 'Course it is dad. While Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is fast asleep, People is being ignored, and our Future is in deep sh*t!

=================

Ever wonder why Middle Eastern Muslim terrorists are so quick to
volunteer for suicide missions? 

Let's just take a closer look at their lifestyle...

No premarital sex.
No Booze. None. Never.
No TV. No cable TV. No satellite TV
No Spice channel. No Playboy channel. No ESPN. No Hooters!
No Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.
Sand. F*ckin' sand everywhere!
No organized sports of any kind. That's right No Sports!
Women are to be completely covered and wear veils.
No thongs. No Victoria's Secret.
Very, very few cars.
Camels. Lots of camels. Stinking, filthy camels.
Sand. F*ckin' sand everywhere!
Ever try to fish at an Oasis? No bass boats. No bass. No fish.
Sandstorms. More f*ckin' sand everywhere!
Rags for clothes and dishcloths with fanbelts for hats.
Camel and goat burgers cooked over burning camel dung chips.
Eating with your right hand only because you wipe your butt
with your left.
Toilet tissue is unknown.
Sand. F*ckin' sand everywhere!
No Golf. Just sand traps.
Constant wailing next door...no wait, that's their music.
Praying 5 times a day. For what? More of this life?
Oh, and did I mention the f*ckin' sand?
And when you die it's supposed to get better.
No wonder they volunteer for suicide missions!!

================

An elderly Italian man asked the local priest to hear his confession:

"Father, during World War 2 a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic".

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to confess."

"It's worse, Father. I was weak and told her she must repay me with sexual favours."

"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil and judge you kindly. You are forgiven."

"Thank you, Father, That's a great load off my mind. I have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

The old man replied, "Should I tell her the war is over?

=================

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking
for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers.

Here are the finalists:

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday
and employees will receive their cards in two weeks". (This was the
winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond,WA.)

2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter".
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should
be used only for company business". (Accounting manager,Electric Boat Company)

4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it". (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

THIS ONE REALLY TAKES THE CAKE

5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule".

6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them". (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

7. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected". (CIO of Dell Computers)

8. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say".(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me". (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

10. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees". (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above". (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

12. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager,Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training annuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (paedophiles?) memo, with her demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday
paper.
(Taco Bell Corporation)

================

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

She turned and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, so I guess I am." He then asked her what she was.

She replied, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."

A little while later a couple sat down next to the old cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

=================

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little
lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks,
"Do you want a likkle white wabbit? Or a soft and fuwwy black wabbit? Or maybe one like that cute likkle brown wabbit over there?"

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a phuck!"

==================

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But being payday, instead of going home he partied with the boys and stayed out all weekend, spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

================

The Washington Post's Style invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:


Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Decaflon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid AND an asshole.

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Helpful Hint #1
If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Helpful Hint #2
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away

Helpful Hint #3
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Helpful Hint #4
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Helpful Hint #5
An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes a wonderful inexpensive vibrator.

Helpful Hint #6
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply pissing in the sink.

Helpful Hint #7
High blood pressure sufferers: ! simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Helpful Hint #8
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Helpful Hint #9
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough!

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President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in, spots them and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"
The bartender answers, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?" Bush says, "We're planning WW III."
"World War III!" the guy exclaims. "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to get rid of Saddam Hussein and kill 140 million Iraqis and one blonde with big breasts."
The guy looks puzzled. "A blonde with big breasts? Why kill a blonde with big breasts?"
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See. I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

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Rev Jackson is sat in a bar with Prince Charles when he asks him:
"Hey, Charlie boy, why is Britain called a Kingdom?
Charles answers, "Because it's run by a King."
The Rev replies, "Oh, I suppose that's why they call America a country."

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If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic.Simply
pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage
is almost instantly removed.

Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply
strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to
all, as to your allegiance.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and
nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king
thing in the first place, you fat b*st*rds.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The
following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a
thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the
wall.

Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside
by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the
bath.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own
home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach,
then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pi**ed,
lie in a sand pit in your garden and sh*g every bloke who looks at you over
the fence.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place
the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer
to the object you wish to view.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes
the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
direction of oncoming traffic.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of
lard.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start
eating cakes again.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an
ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to
your intended destination in the first place.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by
simply pi**ing in the sink.

Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar
by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your
next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of
steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't
know any difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no
doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them
about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your
missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the
wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always
circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment
from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and
check that it has gone.

Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of
cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough
to insulate your loft.

Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your
windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights
and driving the wrong way up one way streets.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping
your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by
ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a
JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the
lights in your house during the night and replacethe JCB unseen, with a
Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!

Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on
toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of
your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem
cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent
you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

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A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in process.
A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman".
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge penis and smashed all three walnuts with three mightly swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Then years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a
faded sign for the same circus and the same sign: "Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman".
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and
smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible!" he told the Scotsman. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said the Scot, "Me eyes are nae whit they used to be."

====================

Tomorrows Weather Forecast
======================

The weather in Iraq tomorrow is expected to be sunny in the morning with increasing mushroom clouds in the afternoon. The temperature looks to be a moderate 2000 degrees with cool winds upwards of around 700 miles per hour. It will definitely be a day for the sunblock, and it wouldn't hurt to shake the dust off the ol' lead suit in the closet. If you're planning on venturing outside in beautiful Iraq tomorrow, don't forget to drink plenty of fluids such as barium which shows up nicely when blasts of radiation flow through your body. Most of all, have fun out there in dusty Iraq and enjoy the old country while........ well, while it's still there.

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A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up heroin..."Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"

The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, and ask him "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers, "Every time he's on Ecstasy that little f**ker makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours!"

==============

Defence Attorney: What is your age?
Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened?
Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defence Attorney: Did you know him?
Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defence Attorney: Why not?
Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
Defence Attorney: What happened next?
Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defence Attorney: Why not?
Little old Woman: Why, Your Honour, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defence Attorney: What happened next?
Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just layed down and said to him..."Take me ...young man...Take me!
Defence Attorney: Did he take you?
Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the little bastard.

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An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about British churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to London, thinking that he would work his way across the country from South to North. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10, 000 per call". The writer, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10, 000 you could talk to God. The writer thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Wales. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in London and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10, 000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the writer. He then travelled to Dublin in Ireland. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$R10, 000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Dublin saw a sign for Glasgow and decided to see if Glaswegians had the same phone. He arrived in Glasgow, and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "50 cents per call." The writer was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've travelled all over Britian and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every place the price was $10, 000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered, "You're in the Scotland now son, it's a local call".