THE CONTRACT DRAUGHTSMANS PHRASE BOOK
AGENT:
-
Grabbing bastard. Usually suffers from amnesia.
FLAT WEEK:
-
Disease with often fatal results. Symptoms: Frequent phone calls to other agents; stabbing
pains in the bank statement. Only known cure is liberal application of overtime, three
times daily.
CLIENT:
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A person who is convinced that he knows what he wants, better than any self–respecting contractor. Usually proved to be incorrect.
OVERTIME:
- Time specified for doing work which was impossible, for many
reasons. to complete.
DOUBLE TIME:
-
Heaven, the contractor's ultimate ecstasy.
FRIDAY:
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Payday. Can also be day on which D.C.M'S are awarded.
D.C.M.
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(Abbr. Don't come Monday) Normal termination of contract. Extremely vulgar.
LONG TERM CONTACT:
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Term used by agents to denote any job thought to be lasting more than 20 minutes.
STAFF DRAUGHTSMAN:
-
(vulg.) A derogatory expression used to indicate an administrative overhead.
IMMEDIATE REQUIREMENT:
-
Expression used by agents, which means "You will not hear anything more about this job for six months."
RATE:
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An imaginary figure for a job. Always less than the correct figure.
AGENTS MARGIN:
-
A supposedly small figure which is capable of doing big things, like buying big cars and foreign holidays.
LOCAL CONTRACT:
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A job within 1000 miles of your home.
OFF-SHORE CONTRACT:
-
Must be able to swim to work without getting drawings wet.
CV:
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A set of lies submitted to an agent and bearing no resemblance to events or persons
living or dead.
RESUME:
-
A set of lies submitted to client by an agent bearing no resemblance to the above-mentioned set of lies.
JOB SATISFACTION:
-
Something only occurring on the last Friday of each month (payday).
GRUB-SCREW:
-
(n.Latin) Term used to denote contractor having dinner date with attractive female staff member (usually very rare).
INTERVIEW:
-
One and only opportunity for client to try to impress contractor with his expertise.
(Seldom effective due to persistent questions about rate).
TAX INSPECTOR:
- Evil being, demoniacal thing.
- Nasty bogey man used to frighten infant contractors if they are naughty.
TIME SHEET:
- Agency Time Sheet - 2nd most important piece of paperwork after salary
cheque.
- Client Time Sheet - A device invented solely to annoy and wake up contractor for at least 10 minutes per week.
EXPENSES:
-
Money expended by contractors in legitimate course of his business i.e. booze bills,
squash club fees, gambling accounts, etc.
DEMOB HAPPY:
-
State of euphoria existing in last seven days of contract.
STATUTORY HOLIDAY:
-
Government legislation designed to reduce contractor's income.
CONTINGENCY PLANNING:
-
Constantly having CV updated and ready for E-mailing.
ENGINEER:
-
Lowly paid contractor-in-training. (See also under "Staff man".)
MANAGER:
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(Old Eng. "Man-ager") Painful irritant. Noted for constant moaning about costs and completion dates.
DECISION:
-
Almost extinct. Lack of this item responsible for huge quantities of wasted work and a contractor's major source of income.
C.A.D.:
-
Expensive plaything used to reduce company profits and provide
useful part-time employment.
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